Winning over my inner dialogues

Caution: This is a quite different and dangerous post. To my very few “followers” and to those who know me, you may probably unfollow me or think differently of me after reading this. I may even regret that I’ve put this out there. Just being honest here.

* * *

Sometimes I just really want to deactivate my Facebook again and probably my inner conversations would change and stop.

Ooohhh… If you could only hear what I’m saying inside my head. When I’m scrolling.

Scrolling.

And judging.

Really? You need to set up a ‘playdate’ pa for your kid?

Di mo ikagaganda yang Snapchat filter!!!

Sayang naman, hindi pogi boyfriend nya…

Sorry pero di mo magagawa yung ginagawa ko kasi may asawa ka na.

Yikes, naglalaro din sya ng Pokemon Go! (or Game of Thrones post na naman!!!)

Nakaka-umay couple pics nyo! (or Ugh! Not another Love Your Spouse Challenge again!)

Eto na naman ‘to, ang dami mong sinasabi. Ang dami mong alam. (or Aaahh… Duterte fan ka pala.)

Feeling mowdel lang, ‘te?

Huwaw, inlab na inlab sa asawa…

Oh good, engaged ka na! (Happy for you… Sad for me!)

Bible verse na naman! Wala na bang iba!

Ummm sorry, hindi ganun ka-cute yung baby mo.

Sige… display pa more ng bago mong <gadget / bag / gift / shopping items>!

Hmmm… Break na ba sila? Parang hindi ko na nakikita girlfriend nya sa mga posts nya…

And this doesn’t only happen when I’m on social media. Even as I go through everyday life I have these inner dialogues. Sometimes I even re-enact the scene in my mind! I envision myself saying something else, maybe not so nice things.

Pano ba ako makaka-alis dito… Ang daldal!

Ano ba naman ‘to. Wala naman ‘tong ka-latuy latoy kausap.

Hello? I a-ask out mo ako, sa text lang, tapos a day before?!

Ang ingay naman ng anak nito!

Teka, bakit ba kasi ako nandito?!

Oh noes… Nosebleed nako… (or Yikes, wrong grammar ata ako…)

OMG. Hindi ko maintindihan accent nya…

Ugh! Kelangan na nya palitan t-shirt nya! Pwede na gawing basahan!

Isa pang revision?! Akala ko okay na…

Really?! Ang ganda kaya ng gawa ko!

Bakit ba ko ini-English nito, kami lang naman Pinoy dito.

Ugh. That sermon was awful.

Of course, I don’t say this out loud. They’re just all in my head. I could be saying something a certain way, but my mind is saying another thing. I know you’d be saying (or thinking), still, ang harsh mo! Napaka-judgmental. Bitter. Insecure. Nega. Puno ng self-pity. In your head, you may also be telling me:

Pakialam mo ba sa post ko? Kanya-kanyang trip lang yan.

Wag ka ngang basag trip.

Akala mo naman kung sinong maganda / payat.

Akala mo naman masaya ka din kasama. Di rin kita feel.

Maka-karma ka din.

Ikaw nga puro lang travel pics – throwback naman lagi. Wala na bang bago?

Puro ka tweet nalang about the cold weather.

Aaahh… hindi ka siguro masaya.

Grabe, nasa loob ang kulo…

The battle in my mind

Okay, sorry! Sorry for thinking that way.

If others need their tongue to be tamed, I need my MIND to be tamed.

At least now I’m more aware of my thoughts. And when I catch myself conducting a useless inner monologue again, I want to stop it. I know I’m in the wrong track. I know that whatever gets your mind gets you because the battle for sin always starts in the mind. It’s starting to creep in and choke my faith, drain my hope and kill joy, and it’s only weighing me down.

I need to consciously guard and renew my mind.

Renewing my mind

Winning the battle in my mind is not merely replacing my thoughts with positive words. When I find myself struggling this way, I know I need to do more of these:

Repeat this to myself: “They’re just like you.” When I feel critical of someone (someone who posts about their lovelife, their kids, their selfies, etc.), I should remind myself that it could be that the other person just loves their family just like I do. They just also want to feel good about themselves.

Reframe. When I feel that I’m falling behind in life and start comparing myself to others, I remember this: “If it’s not the time, it’s just not the f***ing time.” I read this somewhere: Timing is one thing that we often forget to surrender to. It could be that I’m not yet the person I need to be to contain the desires I have. I just have to let things be, stop beating myself out, give myself a break, and one day this will all makes sense.

Look at my own self. I could be judging someone for something that I do myself. For example, the next time I find myself thinking, “Oh what a humblebrag! Sige, display ka pa ng materialistic things!” I should ask myself, “Have I ever been a humblebrag?” Of course, most of us have.

Feel good about me. If I feel good about me, and about my life, then I should have no interest in judging other people’s choices or make fun of other people’s weight or appearance. This is a hard lesson for me: to learn to be truly content and by being content, I discover that I’m less likely to find fault in others.

Be grateful. I should probably make a more conscious effort to focus on something I am thankful for (bring back my gratitude journal or a thankful prayer). I should just focus on the kind things people do and happening around me.

Think about these things

And finally, I find myself struggling this way because I lack these things lately:

Bible reading, prayer time, asking for God’s forgiveness, and asking the Holy Spirit to constantly work on me.

These things allow me more to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When I lapse into wrong thoughts again, here’s something to switch me back:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

This last part is the one that really takes work and it’s HARD. But they’re the only way to point me back again to the right direction, fuel my trust in God, and set my mind on the things above. That’s the only way to win over my negative inner dialogues.

 

Featured photo from Picjumbo.com

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